Thursday, July 23

Attention Paramedics - New Medication

TO: All active duty Paramedics
FROM: Acting EMS Section Chief Happy Medic
RE: New Medication added to protocols

The following policy and protocol will take effect immediately.

Amendment to pharmacy list, addition of Maan Pill.

Overview: With an increase in minor complaints and a decrease in common sense and the ability of adult males to act like adult males, the Medical Director, Dr Imadoc, has approved the use of the Maan Pill for treatment of whining and crying in the absence of a medical emergency.

History: Produced by the Mann Pharmaceutical Group, the Maan Pill is actually a centuries old herbal remedy, often used in younger males to prevent them becoming men who can not handle their own in a stressful situation. Previously marketed under the name Maan Up, the Maan treatment has virtually disappeared in recent years with the popularity of the less expensive, yet less effective Empathie Remedies.

Actions: The Maan Pill acts to inhibit the whining reflex and replace it with an acceptance of one's situation. The exact chemical reaction remains a mystery, much like everything else we administer in the field.

Indications: The Maan Pill is administered to males between the ages of 15 and 55 exhibiting symptoms of a nervous breakdown without a provoking factor. These men may present in police custody after committing domestic assault or with a vague complaint following a car accident.

Contraindications: None known

Dosing: One Maan Pill, total of 1mg PO with a repeat dose often needed for weeks on end.

It is important to remember that Maan Pills are not new, but were previously marketed as Suckitupandactyourageitol. This name led many to abandon the treatment entirely, as stated, in favor of a "watch and see" mentality. Dr Imadoc wants us to start administering a Maan Pill to anyone exhibiting the symptoms immediately, but only after a complete assessment to ensure there is in fact no life threat.

Paramedics who encounter a patient who meets the requirements for the medication should ask them, "Did you take your Maan Pill today?"

That is all.


Dani said...

FUNNY! Thanks for a laugh.

TBChick said...

That is so funny!!

I have a friend that could one of those pills right now.

Firecap5 said...

That would be perfect for some of these big strong steelworkers who come crying with their boo boos.

Michael Morse said...

Are they available by the case? I need large quantities!

(thanks, I needed that)

Ckemtp said...

As Gkemtb would say, "Time to put your Big Girl panties on now, ok Bud?"

Like the patient I had once who had to get his harvest in because it was harvest time and that's what you do during the harvest time... you harvest no matter what.
He died of a sinus infection that spread to his brain. (no, really) He had taken MASSIVE doses of BigBallsatol

The Happy Medic said...

This policy was inspired by a 300 pound man and his 130 pound female jailer. She asked me if we carried the medication in question, I relied I wish I did.

Anonymous said...

I needed a good smile :)

Thank You Happy

The Grumpy Dispatcher said...

Awesome. Thanks HM. I knew something was missing from the kit, but couldn't figure it out from the inventory list. Now I can fix the list.

Capt. Schmoe said...

They should sell it in the vending machines at the Fire Academy!!!

Anonymous said...

You mean they have finally come up with a cure for "acute manitis" caused by inflammation of the man gland by a reduction in the production of the 'real man' hormone.

Sean said...

I believe the diagnosis for which this med is prescribed is "Vaginamegaly." Excellent work!