Tuesday, August 18

Top 10 new responsibilities of the Fire Department

Since most of the readers commenting aren't so jazzed about ALS delivered by the Fire Department, I've devised a few new ways for the folks at the fire hall to keep busy and not get closed down.

Top 10 ways the Fire Department can look busy if not responding to EMS runs-

#10 Tree Trimming
Get those ladders out and close the bike lane, Truck 121 is going to work. With the versatility and man power offered by most truck companies these days, they should be able to make quick work of most of the trouble spots as well as whatever the Town Council needs done come the fall.

They are also for hire out to private citizens, provided you can clean up the trimmings when they're done. They used to tow a chipper behind the ladder, but there was an incident. You know Firemen.

So call 911 today to schedule your tree trimming, free of charge.

#9 Bungee Jumps from the bucket.

All the cool kids are doing it.

And since we're under the same expensive insurance as the unrestrained passengers on the municipal bus system, I can't imagine the underwriters having a problem with this. After the tree trimming is through, we set up in the parking lot of the community college and make a killing. I mean a lot of money, not...well...nevermind.

It can double as a high angle rope rescue drill should something go wrong.


#8 Birthday Parties

Every kid dreams of climbing in the fire truck and squirting water on a fire, so why not give them what they want? Bring your group of at least 20 sugar hyped children ages 2-15 by the firehouse and drop them off for a day of fun!
They'll learn to operate the aerial ladder platform, make and break various hose leads and how to don and doff gear in searing heat.

Each child will receive a roll of municipal toilet paper and a sticker that says "Junior Firefighter" in a gift bag. Reserve now!

#7 Fire Engine races

#6 City Tours in the Engine
Load up the tourists and hit the streets. If your engines are going to cruise, might as well get some cash along the way. The crews can point out where all the best coffee is and where all the hidden alarm panels are.

For added realism, let them put on your coat and helmet. What a great photo op!

#5 Mobile Water Park
Hot day plus bored children plus 500 gallons equals fun! Combine that drafting drill with some good old fashioned water park fun! Kids can frolic in the droplets as your firefighters show what they can do with that $500,000 piece of equipment.

Your kids will be begging to go to the drill yard every day this summer, just don't forget your towel!

#4 Demolition
Sure we tear down fire damaged houses, but don't let us stop there. If you need concrete, wood, metal, stucco, any kind of construction torn down on site, call 911 and we'll send one of our teams right over. Not only will they respond quickly, but they will call more teams out if the job is a big one.

Saws, poles, hooks and axes will be put to use bringing your structure to the ground. Heck, it doesn't even have to be yours, you can place your order anonymously.

Just remember there is no haul away service included, we leave it all right where it falls.

#3 Code 3 Delivery Service
No longer assisting on that resuscitation down the block, our team is off to #4 Privet Drive to deliver a rather important letter to a rather important boy. That sounds like a great idea for a book.

Lights and sirens in a fire engine beats an Emo kid on a 10 speed everyday of the week.

When it absolutely, positively, has to get there delivered by 3 men in a shiny (not today, they need #2) red truck, call 911 and they'll come get your package, letter or person to be delivered and whisk them away.

#2 Mobile Car Wash and Detail
When not washing their own cars on company time, why not hire the Fire Department to wash your car?

Engines are deployed throughout the metropolitan area, carrying all the necessary tools to give your car or light truck a great wash and wax.

Call now and we'll add a burnt food air freshener with every third wash.

#1 Keep private ambulance parking spots filled

They sit at that corner all day, mainly because the coffee shop has clean bathrooms and free wi-fi, but if they receive an ALS run 25 minutes away, they need to return later to the same sweet spot.

Fire engines can be dispatched to "sit a spot" details at little charge to the ambulance agency. They will only be refused when all engines are out on fires, tours or car washes.

10% off if you mention coupon code "System Status Rules"

I'll get the flip side next week.


Dani said...

Thank you for the awesome post! I LOLed!

However...is the bungee jumping available at my community college? :P

Anonymous said...


Brad Miller said...

You have a very wonderful post. About three years ago I decided to build my own home instead of hiring the expensive contractors. It was actually quite easy, even with my limited knowledge of construction. I am just thankful that I had the bucket truck handy because my pick up couldn’t cut it. Truly this bucket trucks is a big help since it can make our work easier and quicker.

TBChick said...

So that’s why my friend took an arborist course during his vacation.

However, now his FD is going back to doing EMS calls. Seems EMS can't live without them!!

Dances with Corgis said...

Heh, I love #1!

Fire Critic said...

ah, a top ten list...Then I shall start the TOP 11 list....jk

However...nothing will beat the last chic here: http://www.firecritic.com/2009/08/top-ten-female-firefighter-calendars/


Great post though!