It's OK to Not Be OK

As many calls as I've shared in this forum, there are still those that won't make the cut.  Not because they're "gruesome" or "funny" or even filled with heroic actions or memorable scenery, but because of the little things.  Little things that are mine and mine alone.  Frozen moments in time that impact me to this day.

On a recent call one of my most memorable calls came back.  Not like a wafting scent or a slowly rising tide, but like a slap to the face and a punch to the gut, taking all my breath away.

The dispatch was a simple fall in the bathroom.  A bread and butter call.  Likely someone with one too many drinks and not enough sleep.  As I walked towards the restroom, donning my gloves and admiring the large artwork in the lobby a woman came running out covering her mouth in fear.  She was hunched over and moved erratically as she exited the restroom.

In half a heartbeat I was taken back over a decade.  My pace quickened, my heart in my throat.  The little things were there.  A glimpse of broken mirror.   The faint smell of bleach long mopped up.  The first drop of blood.  I was afraid.  I went to work doing what we do.

All I'll say is that I didn't sleep much that night.

Then or now.

We deal with things that most folks fall apart after seeing.  Trouble is, so do we.

If you experience something and need to talk about it please reach out.  It can be a friend, clergy, co-worker, even drop me a line.

You don't have to keep what we do inside.  You don't have to make sick jokes or make fun to get along in EMS, all you need is an outlet.

We all have calls that wake us from a sound sleep like a clown in an old horror movie.  The trick is finding someone to help you through it before it eats you away from the inside.

It's OK to not be OK.

It's not OK to let it get worse.  Everyone feels like you and I feel, some are simply too scared to share it.  You're not the problem.  If this job doesn't shake you to your core, chances are you're doing it wrong.

I'm reminded of that every time I see a handful of calls from my past.

I'm reminded of that when I read Kelly's story about the swing set.

I'm reminded of it when I see a young EMT freeze up at a scene and wonder if I'll be in their nightmares in 20 years, a simple bystander on their worst day.

I wonder if they know they're in mine.

It's OK to not be OK.

 

See also: CISD with OK GO, a 5 part series on addressing trouble using the music of OK GO

Comments

Shilah said…
with all my heart --
THANK YOU .
Virginia said…
14 years in the field and profession, and this has been a long, difficult lesson to learn.
There are people all around that can help. Coworkers that can lend a willing ear or shoulder. Peers that have had CISM training. Mental health professionals if needed.
It's ok to not be ok. The problem comes in "manning up", shouldering through, and not taking care of yourself.
Thanks for posting this one.
yngfireman said…
The general public doesn't understand and personnel in fire service has dealt with as much and/or seen as me. So most in fire service believe that PTSD doesn't exist. But, It's not what we see that haunts me, its the feeling that I didn't do the job I was trained to do. I know I'm not God, but did God put me there to make a difference and I failed? How do you enjoy your knowing that you didn't give someone else the same chance to see their kids grow up? I re-live the call and moments night after night, but I still can't come to grips with the fact that I should have checked for patients instead of assuming no one could live through that fire. My lack of action on one call causes me to forget all the good I did for 18 years of service. I carry this with me every day and have tried to make peace as best as I can with the demon within.
darryl wisher said…
Although it has yet to be embraced universally throughout the first responder community COUNSELING is helpful if one is WILLING to allow themselves to be helped. Way too many of us would rather become functioning alcoholics,dysfunctional addicts,or burn out from the job than really allow themselves to do the true temporarily painful emotional WORK which would allow us a degree of acceptance that helps us really MOVE ON. Once we do I truly do think the unfortunate statistics of divorce and other self destructive problems that plague the members of our profession will drop rather than exceed that of the general population
Jim G said…
It wasn't any single call from my 28 years in the fire department, it was losing my grandson that pushed me over the edge. Fortunately, my department has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) and when I called, they responded. I had an appointment to see a counselor the next day. Still working on things a year later, but reaching out was the best decision I could have made. If you THINK you have a problem, and you have an EAP, make the call. Even if you don't have an EAP, seek help. You'll be glad you did.
Shelley said…
Thank you, thank you from all the first responders who will read this and thank you from an ordinary un exciting woman who needed to hear it!! I have only a small few things I still keep close, still try to be ok with, but they still haunt me. I needed to know it's ok not to be ok sometimes.
Oddly one of these things does feature an amazing EMT team and my dad. I see that kind mans face ( the EMT) often when I relive that night, the night that started the end. I should be past it it's been over a year, my dad didn't pass that night either but it was the beginning of the end and I could see it sense it, so could my kind EMT who let me joke with him who kept it light and gave me confidence in his work and what was to come.
Thank you all for what you do and thank you for letting me know when I see his face when I remember that night it's ok. I wish I could thank him, but I can't so I thank you!!
Kim Fred said…
i am glad that somebody else onthe EMS/Firefighter world believes like I do "that it's okay to not be okay" I have so many things that I can never get out of my memory. I worked in the county that I was born in that my daddy and mother and Grandparents all grew up in and I worked in the counties that surrounded us. Some things still break my heart but it is the fact that I made a difference in others lives that always and continue to keep me going. But it is important to be able to hurt to feel and that is not shameful ever. !!!!
Diana said…
The rest of your service is not discounted because you feel you made a mistake on one call! Chances are you would not have been able to save them anyway and you went with your gut. You are human, you need to forgive yourself for your presumed mistakes and remember the difference you have made in countless other lives. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the pain is real. You acknowledge it, accept it and try to understand if God put you there, sometimes we are only put in situations to bear witness. We are the living, breathing pain of memory but get help. Reach out for help with someone trained and know there are so many families thankful for what you have done for them.
Dee Monfee said…
I have been with my local f.d. for 23 years. I have been an EMT for 20 years. I worked in surgery as a scrub tech. for 16 years. I used to tell myself that I handled it all so well because it was "my calling". Turns out, I woke up one day to realize that I had years of not being o.k. to deal with. I am out of all of it but the f.d. now. I still have nightmares, sometimes waking up crying, about things I have been through. Only, most of the time, the patients are now my family members. I try to deal by remembering all of the good that came with it. Certainly not the many thank you's or the " atta girl's" and, definitely not all the thank you cards and baked goodies. Because those.....those I could count on one hand. I remember the fact that I met my husband, now of 22 years, at that firehouse. We had our first kiss there. We raised two beautiful children who can tell you more about fires and medical things than some adults who do the job. I have a beautiful granddaughter that is three, and if you "fall out" in front of her, she will run over and attempt CPR. My husband is the Chief, I am a Captain, my daughter is the safety officer, and my son-in-law is acting Sgt. The fire house is one big family. Almost literally. We have each other's backs. All of this came from me joining the dept. 23 years ago. It helps that my hubby and I are in the same line of work and can talk. Certainly don't hide away the bad. But, don' forget to give yourself the " good jobs" the "atta boys" and the pats on the back. And, definitely don't forget to remember all the good stuff too.
Alberta Advanced Care Paramedic said…
I am a career ACP (Advanced Care Paramedic) of 22 years. There is one call in particular that bothers me to this day. I feel I made some bad choices and a death occurred of a pediatric patient. Would that have child died that day no matter what intervention was attempted? Yes, I don't think I could have changed the outcome but that is still of little comfort... Even now 5 plus yrs later.
Shane said…
It is ok not to be ok, but please be open to seek help. One thing that I will add to other comments is that not only does the public not understand what we see, it is also what we smell, feel(tactile), and hear. I have horrible dreams, but sometimes it is in my waking hours when I smell something, feel, or hear things that I am taken.
harmony said…
I'm not ok
Lisa Walker Parameeic, RN said…
Good for you for having the courage to type those words !! That is one of the first steps in getting help so that you CAN be ok again. Now, call your jobs employee assistance, your local crisis line (they can help you open up a bit and point you to the best resources in your area), find me on fb if you would like. Don't stop here, keep the steps going forward.
Lisa Walker Paramedic, RN said…
Thank you !!!! The more outlets in which this is shared amongst the responders, the faster it will become the norm to recognize this in ourselves and our partners !!
Sue said…
the only time I've used emt' sis when my 11 year old son was ill with encephalitis from the flu. Thank god for you all and what you do. I'm a nurse but when the family is so ill, your mind shuts down.
Glad you're not ok and voicing it. I've gotten help after a bad call at work. The what ifs will do you in.
Keep up the good work!
harmony said…
I can't find you on fb. I feel like I'm doing everything I can to help things but it isn't working
Lisa Walker said…
Harmony, look for my full name, Lisa Ann Walker,.
Mike Hill said…
Please email me. I just had a long time friend and partner commit suicide. I'm willing to listen and share. 39 years as a paramedic, 27 in an inner city department, and many demons I face regularly. You are not alone. Friends are right here to help.
harmony said…
How do I find your email address?